January 1983

Filip: Man of the year?

by Mark

   We're now firmly into 1983, and they say there's no looking back, but I just can't leave 1982 without a few comments or without a few awards to highlight some of the brightest starts of the past year.

Entertainers of the Year—
I've got to tell you the truth, I normally don't like dance acts. But when those flesh merchants that paraded around for so long as football players bared it all and put on those grass skirts, I was honestly moved. Jimmy D, your hips are still shaking in my book.

Group of the Year—When you combine drumming reminiscent of Keith Moon, Hendrix style guitar arranging, and the best lyrics this side of Bob Dylan, what else can you get but the supergroup spelling of the 80's. The Go-Go's synthesized their way into your hearts in 1982, the way our little girls are going, I'm thinking maybe a guest hit spot on "Solid Gold" in 1983.

Non-Human(s) of the Year—Hah, I finally fooled you. You thought it was E.T. We'll get to E.T. more later, but really just what did E.T. do anyway? He gave his glum mug in a movie for two hours and then went home. E.T. is nowhere compared to Smurfs. These guys are incredible. They're the best athletes of all non-humans hands down. You may scoff at those little blue smurfers, but they play hockey, soccer, football, you name it, and what's more I've seen them with little chefs hats, and schoolbooks, everything. E.T., you could learn a little from these happy little men—they've made the best of it here on earth, and haven't pouted while doing it either.

Comment of the Year—By Ronald Reagan in declaring after presenting a budget to Congress with a two hundred billion dollar deficit, "Boy, I know we're going to owe a lot of money, but honestly, I'm open to suggestions." Gee, I dunno, Ron, how about a bake sake, or maybe a car wash. I think I remember reading that France had a dance marathon once.

Fashion item of the Year—When you look at a fashion year, it's always hard to pick just one outstanding piece of apparel because, hey, all that stuff is just so beautiful. Thus, in selecting the clothing item of last year, I picked something that is gorgeous, but practical as well. Yes, you knew it all along, leg warmers. Boy oh boy, you girls got all the good stuff. What guy can honestly deny that he hasn't had cold shins and wished he could wear leg warmers? I know I can't and I know I'm not alone.

Movie of the Year—By a slim margin over the modern classic, Grease 2, the big winner of 1982 was Yes, Giorgio. Who says renaissance men are gone—that Lucianoi Pavarotti sang, danced, and loved his way into my heart forever, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Most Overrated Wrinkled Thing of 1982—Yes, I got back to you, E.T. Your movie reminded me quite a bit of Bedknobs and Broomsticks with that flying across the moon scene, and I really never liked it anyway. Not only didn't I like your movie, but I don't like your pencil pouches, or your lousy kiddie slippers, or your stinking E.T. lunch boxes. We've had just about enough of you and your insipid whining E.T. Why don't you make a real movie like Patton and not burden us with your heartache? Good riddance, E.T., and good-bye to 1982 with you.